My relationship with body positivity: Part 2

It's time for part 2 of the series! If you're new to my body positivity series it is an on going series that I have no idea how will end. I have no clue where this is headed or how many entries there will be because I don't know where this journey is taking me. But I do know what it has taught me. So here's part 2!

If you follow me on instagram you have seen the slew of bikini pictures I have posted this year. I just counted and there have been 6 so far and it is only March. This is a big deal for me! It's a big deal just in the sense that I am a plus size woman who has been told to cover up and hide for as long as I can remember. But it's also a big deal because Emily almost exactly 2 years ago today had a full blown break down in her apartment when she tried on a bikini I ordered. Like sobbing staring at myself in the mirror so mad that I looked like that. I was grabbing at my body telling it and myself all the ways it was wrong. All the ways I was disgusting. I never considered leaving the comfort of my apartment let alone actually going out in public in it. It's shit to look in the mirror and be flat out mad at what you see. So angry you cry and cry until you physically can not cry anymore. To hear every little thing every person has ever told you you’re supposed to feel about your body. Because when you’re fat absolutely everyone feels like they get an opinion on your body.

Now this year I bought 3 of them and wore them not only at a private pool with the friends I love the most but also at a huge beach!! I had a couple moments of self doubt in Arizona because I was with friends who I definitely don't want to judge me but got over it and felt awesome all weekend. I think it’s scarier to be vulnerable with the people you love the most then it is with perfect strangers. Is that normal? Then when I was in Florida it never crossed my mind once to feel any type of self conscious walking onto that beach! Not once!!! I didn't even realize it until I got home that is how out of my mind it was to feel bad about myself. This is HUGE! Like so huge. It’s sad that simply existing in an open space with parts of my body showing calls for a full blog post on how proud of myself I am but that is the world we live in. But it is a world that I confidently believe is changing. It’s really because it is changing that I now feel the way that I feel.

So here is my ode to the bikini. The one article of clothing I never thought I would conquer. Not only did I wear one but I wore three. Take that!