This is 30.

Well it’s here. My 30th birthday. I don’t feel any different obviously but I am going to try to explain why this milestone means so much to me. I wish I had a fun fashiony post for you today but instead we’re getting real personal.

For a long time my life did not belong to me. Decisions I made, jobs I took, where I lived were decided without me in mind. I was responsible for someone else and that consumed me. It was my identity entirely. I always joke and call myself a late bloomer because I didn’t start figuring a lot of stuff out until my very late 20’s but I think it’s because that is when I finally got my life back.

I am going to be honest. Like really honest. There were times this birthday was not in the cards. I truly was not going to make it here. My life was so small and slowly drowning me every single day. There was no light at the end, there was no plan b, or escape route.

Until there was. Until I slowly and really without noticing started making decisions for myself. It started small with things I can’t even remember but a shift happened. And then I ripped the band aid off and moved entirely across the country. Now I don’t recommend this for everyone and this is a conversation for a different day BUT it threw me into a life of my own for the very first time. It also made other things worse but like I said that is a conversation for another day.

When I moved back to Minnesota I was in the worst place I have ever been in my life. It was scary and dark and not a place I like to revisit. But it is a part of my story and really the springboard that led me to the life I have now.

The life I LOVE and am so damn proud of every day. I fucking did it. I made it here on my own. I come from a different family situation then most and when I look at how I got to where I am right now I have only myself to thank. That feels sad and also exhilarating at the same time. I worked my ass off in a career I love. I dug deep with my mental health and learned the ins and outs of my brain and finally feel like we’re working together and not as rivals. My health is finally at a place where not only do I give a shit about it but I actually take time to work on it. I have stopped comparing my life and my journey to ANYONE. I love being alone! As someone who pretty much needed to be with people at all times to avoid bad thoughts and unhealthy actions this one is huge. I am comfortable with me! If this sounds small to you I am so happy for you. Truly! I hope nobody else has to take the damn scenic route and then get lost 100 times like I did and all of this is easier for you. But for me it was hard. It was so hard. Getting older is honestly my favorite thing haha

So it’s safe to say I am grateful. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for my friends. Extra shout out to the 12 that traveled to Arizona for my birthday you make my heart so full. I’m grateful for my tiny little apartment. I am grateful for my little bank account that keeps me fed and clothed. I am grateful for all the exciting opportunities coming this year. I am SO grateful to everyone who follows along on this weird dysfunctional life of mine. I’m just all around grateful and that is definitely the attitude I want take into this next decade.

So 30 doesn’t feel different. It does though feel like all the things I have learned and been through have led me to this exact moment. That feels pretty cool.